I lead a fairly unproductive life. By this I mean unproductive in the conventional sense of the word. I don’t have the time for a conventional job. You see, creating this column consumes most of my time. By the time I finish writing, revising, and defending myself from the libel suits that ensue from these columns, I have precious little time left for a “regular job.” Class secretary is a lifestyle.

For years I have wondered about the productivity of my co-secretary, Juliet Aires Giglio. She seems to write these columns and make movies. How is this possible? Well, I have finally figured it out. You see, Juliet has just written a novel, The Summer of Christmas. It was authored by Juliet and husband Keith. Who is Keith, you ask? Keith is the ghostwriter, that’s who. That’s the secret sauce for this business. I need a ghostwriter. That will free me up to finally get a real job.

I need to find someone who knows me and knows Dartmouth. I decided to look up some of the people who surrounded me at Dartmouth to see if any of them fit the ghostwriter profile.

First stop, Derek Goldberg. We lived together senior year. Since then Derek has become a very successful photographer. Derek was just listed as one of the “Hot 100” photographers of 2021 by yourdailyphotograph.com. This is a big deal. A Goldberg photo sells for more money than I made from 1984 to 1992, cumulatively. The residuals from this column are smaller than you may think. Derek’s photos are amazing. He would be a great ghost photographer, should I ever need one.

Next up, Ted Dardani. Ted lived next door to me during that fateful senior year. Ted taught me to dunk a basketball. Long story short, it involved standing on the hood of a car parked under the basket. Possibly illegal in a game situation. Anyway, Ted seems to be a founding partner of Harkness Capital Partners. In addition, Ted is on the national board of USA Lacrosse. I sure hope the lax people don’t find out about Ted teaching me to cheat in basketball. Probably would not be a good look. Maybe we should skip him as a ghostwriter.

What about Jamie Resor, you might ask. Jamie lived next door as well. Potential ghostwriter material? Well, I did some research. Jamie is currently running EDF Solutions, a company that delivers solar energy to the world. Before this Jamie spent years working with the World Wildlife Fund and generally saving the planet in various ways. Given my Sasquatch-sized personal carbon footprint, I’m not sure Jamie’s the best fit for my personal ghostwriter either.

Thus, no Grubman ghostwriter, at least for now. The search will continue. In the meantime, Juliet will continue to create literature and movies while I continue my work of respiration, using glucose and oxygen to create carbon dioxide and water. Seems pretty much a tie. I must go outside now and exhale. The plant world needs me.

—Eric Grubman, 2 Fox Den Way, Woodbridge, CT 06525; (203) 710-7933; grubman@sbcglobal.net; Juliet Aires Giglio, 47 Chestnut St., Sag Harbor, NY 11963; julietgiglio@gmail.com