Many of you worry for my safety. As I write this column, filled with falsehoods and innuendo about our classmates, it seems possible that someone might seek to exact revenge upon me. Every month I receive dozens of letters from the readers of this column, expressing concern for my safety. And by dozens of letters, I mean none. But it could happen. Even just a postcard would be appreciated. Anyway, let me assure you that I’m safer than ever. You see, in the past, I would carefully research the home address of each classmate mentioned in the column, then calculate how easy it would be for them to show up at my door. A general rule was that the further away they lived, the more outrageous the mischaracterization. With the current pandemic, I’ve refined things a bit. I now have a strict formula. Allow me to explain.

I recently received an email from David Cost. David lives in L.A. There are currently approximately two flights a week from L.A. to New York and no more than seven Über drivers left in N.Y.C. We then add the mandatory two-week quarantine and David might as well live on Mars. I can pretty much get away with anything related to Costy. David lives in California, where he is the chief compliance officer for Headlands Capital. No idea what they do; however, the website has a big picture of David. I’m not saying that David isn’t dressed well. Let’s just say that compliance with a dress code is apparently not a thing at Headlands Capital.

Costy also mentioned Warner Ide, who is the CEO of MPSC, which is based in Wisconsin. Even before Covid, there was one flight a month from Wisconsin to anywhere. Also, the current quarantine from Wisconsin is like a year or more. Sky’s the limit on this one as well. I may not know what Headlands Capital does, but I don’t even know what MPSC stands for. I do know that John Marlette works there also. John is the director of MPSC Australia (quarantine factor = infinity). John used to work for IBM, but he made the big move from a three-letter company to a four-letter company, which is probably a huge promotion.

Dwayne Gathers is the founder of Gathers Strategies, which is based in L.A. (see Cost, David). Dwayne apparently helps companies interact with the government or something. More importantly, Dwayne is a voice-over artist, and you can listen to him at DwayneGathers.com. That was a lot of fun, you should try it.

Of some risk to me is Doug Baird, who is chairman of Citi’s equity capital markets business. Doug lives in New York, a short Über from my home. Accordingly, I have nothing to add about Doug. He seems very successful.

So there you have it, my formula for self-preservation. The closer you live to me, the truthier I am. Except for Mark Russi. Russi lives really close, but I just can’t resist the temptation.

—Eric Grubman, 2 Fox Den Way, Woodbridge, CT 06525; (203) 710-7933; grubman@sbcglobal.net; Juliet Aires Giglio, 4915 Bentbrook Drive, Manlius, NY 13104; julietgiglio@gmail.com