I was recently perusing Amazon.com, and noticed that the book that contains my chapter is now ranked No. 1,336,030. It’s hard to admit that there are a million books better than my chapter. Actually, 1.3 million. Obviously, I need to move up in the rankings. I have an idea, but I will need the help of several of our literary classmates. The way this works is pretty simple. If you’ve written a book and it’s more popular than my chapter on Amazon (a given), please have it removed from the site. You pull your book from Amazon, I move up. Simple. Now, if you’ve forgotten that you are an actual published author, let me help jog your memory.


Eric Dezenhall. Eric recently published a book, Glass Jaw. Something to do with defending your reputation in an age of instant scandal. I read it. I must say that it is quite interesting and I learned that my reputation is toast. However, if I may be a bit critical, your book is 261 pages long and contains fewer than 12 funny cartoons. That’s not enough. Ideally, a 261-page book should have maybe 12 written pages and the rest funny cartoons. That is the optimal ratio for a bestseller. For example, check out my book chapter. It’s on Amazon, down near the bottom. Still, Eric, please have Amazon remove the book. Thank you in advance.


Dani Klein Modisett. Her book, Take My Spouse, Please, is a humorous take on marriage. It is currently in press and can be preordered on Amazon. Dani’s book already has a higher Amazon rating than my chapter, and it isn’t even available yet! I’m losing to an imaginary book! This is the worst form of humiliation. Dani, you have several other books on Amazon as well. Each one is destroying me. Perhaps we can use some sort of mercy rule, like in Little League? Pull the book, Dani. Pull all the books.


Susan Schoenberger. Now, this is a real problem for me. She keeps writing the novels and I pay the price. Each Schoenberger novel is an automatic (-1) for me. Her latest, The Virtues of Oxygen, was published last July. More people have already reviewed her book than have purchased mine. Let that sink in for a moment. She even has her own Amazon page. Maybe she would rent me some space on her Amazon page to boost my visibility.


Jim Collins. Jim wrote The Last Best League, which chronicles the season of a Cape Cod League baseball team. It really is a great book and has been reprinted as a “10th anniversary edition.” Really, Jim? Two editions of the same book? It wasn’t enough for you to beat me once, you had to do it twice? With the same words? Nice.


Well, these are baby steps, but it’s a start. Next month we move on to Kathy Zug and that dermatology book. Big problem for me. With everyone’s help, we break the million mark. Thanks.


—Eric Grubman, 2 Fox Den Way, Woodbridge, CT 06525; (203) 710-7933; grubman@sbcglobal.net; Juliet Aires Giglio, 4915 Bentbrook Drive, Manlius, NY 13104; (315) 682-5501; julietgiglio@gmail.com